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So much has happened and I really thought I was done with my blog .. but yet here I am again.



I'm totally lost as to what September & May is anymore but it's not like it matters too much anyways.

I stopped blogging here after someone I was very close to in my high school years committed suicide. It was hard to understand, I couldn't help but blame myself and harder so that I was so close to talking to him just a couple of days before as I had invited him to my birthday and wanted his opinion on my restaurant choice since he's a chef and all but I didn't.. I know one shouldn't think of things they could have done since it's not something that could have been stopped just from that but that doesn't stop you from thinking that way or thinking that maybe it is that one thing that could have stopped them..

Every day I would think about Alex, even if just for a fleeting moment.. every day.  The first time I didn't was my trip away from NZ for a week and now I find myself here..

I felt an emptiness which led me to stop writing on this blog as it made me feel more empty to write since it felt like I was trying to get away from the realities of life. I completely wiped my instagram and started a new feed - which is now completely theme-less (feels liberating and also gives me anxiety at the same time lol) and I started cooking again.. The day after I made my favourite cottage pie and it felt so good.. it made me reconnect with my younger self and I knew Alex would be happy and in my own selfish way I wanted to make it my little tribute to him for myself. Since then I have been cooking my own food 98% of the time for work and dinner even. I stopped my casual smoking and started making a conscious effort to be healthier for myself. I so badly just wanted all the memories of him to come back to me, so many did but I wanted so much more.. he deleted his facebook so I couldn't even look through it .. maybe for the better..



***


At the beginning of this year another person was lost and that was the moment I truly had time to reflect on suicide, depression and all round mental health. It's a tough and vague topic that we don't really get taught much on.. Someone who shined so damn bright and had so many people surrounding them but could fall so deep and is now someone one can only keep in their memories, delving in and out of.

For them to take their lives.. just what is everyone battling? We know about suicide but until it's

 What is the person next to you feeling? Have you talked to your friends recently? Just asked how someone is.. Smile at someone..

He asked me how I was at one of the lowest points in my life.. I was at a party and wanted so badly to leave. I felt like I was going to cry standing there because I felt so alone.. but he saw me and smiled as if he knew.. as if we shared that fleeting moment and he knew I needed someone to talk to


His loss made me look at Alex's loss with a better point of view and a level head. We can be better people, nicer people and respect one another but we must also find the strength within ourselves to fight for ourselves and those that need us. It's your choice but your existence can be the very reason for someone else.. so cheesy I know..

I have had many many dark days in my past and I honestly do not mean that lightly... many times have I had suicidal thoughts but never done so.. it's a dark place you go to and the only way out is really through light. My way out was always through feeling the need to help others, that others needed me or simply putting energy into something else to pass the time.. no matter how mundane.

I wrote something a while back and I don't think I can write anything more to encapsulate my emotions at the time:


I didn't want to say anything on my Instagram initially but to fight the taboo of it.. I decided to write a little something. Recently someone chose to take his life .. Someone I was very close to.. Someone I have cried with, laughed with and considered to be like a brother to me. We didn't talk as much these recent years but that doesn't make it hurt any less.. Suicide is something that I don't think anyone can explain, it's okay to ask why because we all think it.. I feel like there's never one why, there's so many whys so many who, what and where's etc. and that in the end. You as an outsider don't know. You can't be expected to know. I believe the best thing we can do is aim to be better people to others and to ourselves. But definitely if you can reach out do it ! And for those hurting, please reach out. You're not alone. It's cheesy as fk but there's a rainbow after every storm. The world is sooo fucked up right now.. Let's live to make it better for the future. Smile at a stranger or ask how someone is.. TLDR: Let's all just be kind to one another .. Try as much as possible. Just speaking my mind.. Please feel free to expand on this. We need to speak more about this ☁️☁️☁️☁️





This post is a rather dull one but I really couldn't stop myself from doing it.. until next time.. 


Please if you want to talk to someone, talk to someone you trust - family or friends or both! or it can be someone else like:

https://www.youthline.co.nz/contact-us/
0800 376 633




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